April 11, 2020
On New Year’s Eve night in 2007, I sat next to my best friend as the clock was nearly approaching midnight at Watch Night service at our home church. A young man who was in residency while in seminary spoke to us briefly before changing his voice to fit a melodic tune in which he uttered at key intervals “It’s time to turn the page.” As people in the audience rose to their feet to clap to the beat, Common, the rapper, came up to the front of the church and began to freestyle and matched the young seminarian’s rhythm and theme in his flow and repeated what now became the chorus of this soul-stirring tune “It’s time to turn the page.” I could feel the collective effervescence in the church that manifests into goosebumps on my skin. It stirred my soul and catapulted me into thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead in 2008 and cautiously excited about what chapter in my life was closing as I turned the page to close out 2007.
It was in 2008 when I made the decision to go into formal leadership and applied for my second graduate school degree. At the time, I had no idea of the possibilities that were ahead and how this new chapter in my life would bear a story with many plot twists. I now know that there is a collection of moments and complexities that propel us forward to seek out or take our first step in a new direction.
I rarely talk about what it was like for me to leave my family and to start a new life in a new city alone. Nor do I share the impetus for change. Honestly, as I dig deep and press myself to think of the reasons why I left home in 2013, I can only come up with a few reasons:
- feeling taken advantage of by my employer
- feeling trapped in a “relationship” that in all the ways it felt fulfilling it was equally as dysfunctional
- intrigued by the possibility to do what I love
However, as I look back at these reasons, I can agree that these were all good on their surface, but if I take a closer look with my 2020 vision, I now know that I turned the page in 2013 to start a new chapter in my life that is more in line with my purpose.
I can admit that although I know in my heart my purpose, I still lack the courage to claim it out loud and to live in it each day. Sometimes I want to be bolder and to say the things that need to be said aloud so that I can quickly extinguish the fire that blazes in my bones. I get frustrated when I lack the courage to speak up to others who only speak from their perspectives as if their point of view is the only one that matters. I grow tired of those who attempt to hurt me or others and pass judgement based on their insecurities, although they couldn’t take an ounce of the “honesty” they served if I reciprocated the tone and tenor of their verbal pronouncements. I am offended by those who speak of equity to me as if I am not aware of what it is and if this newfound “hip” term somehow makes them seem more thoughtful or caring or woke. I am skeptical of looking through the lens of equity and not addressing the power structure that exists in this world. We can all work to create equitable environments in our workplaces and schools, but if the privileged stay in their protected class, this race for equity will always begin in a false start.
I also realize that when we turn the page in our lives, there is always a transition. When I don’t get up in the morning to take care of my body by working out, or feed my spirit by making space for God, or get enough sleep to rest my overtaxed mind, I am not creating the conditions for living out my purpose. Moreover, not intentionally building the courage to speak and live boldly.
I have come to accept that I am okay with my imperfect state. I understand that to walk in my purpose and to live boldly takes intentional practice and will come with more experience. I am growing more patient with myself and I accept that I am in a period of transition.
The black butterfly is said to symbolize rebirth, transition, and freedom. When thinking about the last decade of my life, it has been a period of both rebirth and transition. Although the days are long and the road ahead is a bit foggy, I can ‘t help but get excited by the possibilities that lie ahead. The transition feels hard. The hope of having the freedom to live boldly and unapologetic about my convictions feels akin to the wind being at my back, gently pushing me forward on my journey. The freedom that is written on the next page of my life is what I seek. I want to experience the words sang by Deniece Williams as she proclaimed to the black butterfly, “…now that you’re free and the world has come to see just how proud and beautiful you are.” I commit to turning the page in the pursuit of my purpose.
40 Years & Counting 